Just when I think I'm out...

They pull me back in. They, being the people at the PRI clinic which is the clinic I go to for transplant prep. After the tests this week I thought I would get a break. Well, this morning I get a phone call that my doctor wants me to go in for a urine culture. Not a big deal, but at this stage I question everything. My next regular appointment isn't until Mid-September and I do a bunch of blood tests and urine stuff 2 weeks before. So why do they need one now? Is there something going on I should know about? I know I should not stress out, but what immediately runs through my mind is, I've been drinking more Diet coke (I'm not supposed to have anything with phosphorus) than I should and I definitely have not been eating the best, so will this show up in my culture? and all of a sudden I am being ordered to prep for dialysis. This is silly, I know and the most they can see is that I have a UTI (always do) and protein in my urine. My creatinine might be up as well, but no where near the 700 the doctors see when patients do go on dialysis. So, I have to calm my fears and move on. I do have a bit of a secret though. I question everything my body is doing. There are some things that start to really show when you are in extreme kidney failure. Nausea, lack of appetite, extreme tiredness and trouble sleeping, swelling and leg cramps, coughing, and dry skin are all the things I get questioned about every time I go to an appointment. Always, the answers are no. When I am at home though, I question exactly how I feel, and I worry "Am I really just a little tired today or is it kidney failure", everything I observe in me I think, is this my kidneys failing or is it just normal life? I truly believe this is paranoia creeping in and I push it all back, but sometimes I am really afraid it is not. I know I am sick, I know this will get worse before better and I have spent the better part of my life trying to not let this illness rule me, but that fight is getting harder.

I also have to learn to be a little more forceful. I should have asked why they wanted the culture and if it was something I should be concerned about. The one thing I still have to embrace is that this is my body and if people want to do something to it I should know why.